Passenger 57 is in my barn
My wife, Robin, came to me today to announce that Wesley Snipes is pregnant.
“Either that or he’s just really fat,” she said. “And it’s not like he eats a lot.”
This was something of a surprise to me. I’d been interacting with Wesley Snipes on and off for a few years now, and he’d never struck me as the type to go out and get knocked up, being a dude and all. He had been a bit more skittish recently, and I wondered in retrospect if that had anything to do with him being in the family way. He would let me pet him, but seemed standoffish. With this look in his eyes that almost seemed to say, “Go buy me pickles.”
“If he has kittens in our barn, I’m going to lose it,” said Robin.
Wesley Snipes has been hanging out in our barn for a few years. He’s totally black without a speck of white on him and, possibly like and possibly unlike his namesake, is very friendly. He likes it when you scratch behind his ears. I’ve heard that he belongs to one of the neighbors, but likes to roam in search of new places to dine. And no, his given name isn’t actually Wesley Snipes. It’s probably something lame like “Fluffers.”
(And by the way, before anyone flames me on this one, it’s not a racial judgment to notice that Wesley Snipes is very black. It’s just a fact. Really, I was either going to call him Wesley Snipes or Yaphet Kotto. But if this cat had been really white, I would have named him Kate Moss. If he had been retarded, I would have named him Will Farrell. You get the picture. I’m just swinging at the easy lobs that life tosses my way.)
Later, I went out to the barn to feed the horses. (Robin can do it now because her knee is mostly healed, but I tend to do it a lot of the time anyway. That’s just how cool I am.) And the horses — Zoe, Shy, and Leroy — were totally snickering over Wesley Snipes’s situation. Which was actually pretty uncool of them. Leroy especially. That guy doesn’t even have any testicles, so who is he to talk? For his part, Wesley Snipes didn’t seem to mind. He was hanging out, sitting quietly on top of one of the hay bales, seemingly at peace with the world. I was suddenly glad I hadn’t named him Adewale Akinnuoye Agbaj, and not just because I can’t come close to pronouncing it. Mr. Eko is far too badass and awesome to get pregnant. Although strange things do sometimes happen on the island.
Fiona was hanging out too. She’s cool; we hauled her in to get spayed. She seems to get along well with Wesley Snipes — unlike Evil Cat, who is out of his mind and who, in retrospect, I should have considered naming Gary Busey.
“Wesley Snipes, are you pregnant?” I asked.
He refused to answer. But I’m telling you, this is exactly how it began with the whole tax evasion thing.
Tags: barn, cats, horses, pregnant, Wesley Snipes
 
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Johnny Truant is a writer and
humorist who lives in Ohio with
his wife and two children. His
mission in life is to be happy,
have fun, and laugh as much as
possible. When it dawned on him
that ninety percent of all
newsmedia has as its mission to
keep people as unhappy and
frightened as possible, he
launched this website. 
November 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
“I should have considered naming Gary Busey.” I laughed at this.
Keep it up, unlike your pull up numbers.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
We’ve had a bunch of cats in our time.
Lena we named after Lena Horne. (she was beautiful. Even mix of black and white)
Martin was named after Martin Luther King Jr. (He was a dignified cat- I’ll let you guess what color)
We didnt name them out of bigotry. We named them in the hopes that someday, the kids would want to know where the cats got their names from, and we could then open a discussion about civil rights)
The names of the others escape me because, well, I don’t really like cats.
Currently we have Paris and Nicole. We got then from the pound, they were sickly scrawny, and had claws as sharp as razors. What other names would hav been more befitting?
Our neighbors have a pony named Gary. (Meow…)
Why do horse make noise, anyway? you have a barnful, what makes then start making horse noises? We have to deal with horses by the soccer field every Saturday and the damn things never shut up!!!
November 12th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
God I love this blog. If you had a cat named Gary Busey he’d most assuredly be missing right now, only to show up on an episode of celeb rehab on MTV–preaching some sort of crap to sell to his “co-stars”…
Keep it Up!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Oh, man, horses can be so judgmental.
A.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Wait. You have horses? wtf?
November 13th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Okay, I have an update. Wesley Snipes was in the barn this morning (and yes, we have horses… my wife rides) and we attempted to check him for testicles. None were apparent. I’m trying to decide which came first - the name, or the assumption of gender. I now think I may have named him, then used the name often enough to decide he was male.
We still don’t know if he’s pregnant. He may just be fat. We do have a fat cat inside, and his name is Carl. My stepfather once asked if Carl was pregnant.
And Delmont, horses make noise just for the hell of it. If they want food, they make noise. If another horse goes out but they do not, they make noise. If a receiver fumbles an easy shovel pass, they make noise.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Just wanted to let you know that I dig the Lost references and find it very funny that you “attempted to check him for testicles”. Ever think during moments like that about how much your life has changed in the last 10 years or so?
November 13th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Oh, snap! One of the Google ads on the page right now is for “Cat Urine Behavior.” Show me someone who doesn’t want to get in on some of THAT!
And John, that occurred to me when my kids were born and I checked them for testicles.
November 15th, 2008 at 1:57 am
I thought Wesley Snipes was in jail for tax evasion. Or eating a hamster. Something along those lines.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:43 am
All I know is that “Always bet on black!” ranks right up there near “Let off some steam, Bennett” as one of the greatest movie lines ever.
BTW, I see that you made another language post. Don’t think I won’t be all over that in a second here.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
[...] and web developer in his mid-thirties. I’m a humor writer and web developer in my mid-thirties. Wesley Snipes and Oprah Winfrey live in his barn. Tom Waits and Maury Povich live in my barn. Other than the fact [...]